Hormones- Part I

Hormones are another one of those cliches about pregnant women that we have all heard for many years. I am quickly realizing that this particular cliche has stood the test of time for one very good reason.........it is so true! Although I have only had a handful of experiences (so far) during which I have felt the full magnitude of pregnancy hormones, I am now truly terrified about what may lay ahead. From what I can remember (as I was severely traumatized by the experience), it is a similar feeling to really extreme PMS. Unlike PMS; however there is no warning, nor is there any indication of how long it might last. Most women can relate to the sort of "out of control" feeling of PMS. It's like, you know that you may be overreacting and you don't want to be feeling this way but you just can't help it. Unfortunately reason is useless in these situations; there is a far stronger force at work. I don't know the origin of this force, but I know it has powers beyond that of anything human. It can make an otherwise sensible woman feel like a raving lunatic, crippled by rage. It can make grown men run for cover and children cry out in terror.

Part I:

My personal reign of terror began in the Comcast headquarters several weeks ago. I went in one evening after a long day's work to exchange our cable box for a DVR. Seems like a simple enough task, right? Well, I arrived at the office and saw two lines. There was no sign indicating that there was any difference between the lines. Just to safe, I asked several other customers if there was any difference in the two lines before choosing one. Everyone just shook their heads or shrugged complacently. So I just picked a line at random, adjusted the equipment I was holding, and attempted to get comfortable for the inevitable wait. To my surprise, my line appeared to be moving slightly faster than the other (which is crazy because I always choose the slow line). Anyway, after about 20 minutes, it was my turn. As I approached the counter holding my cable box, I could tell by the look on the cashier's face that my luck was running out. She simply cocked her head to one side, shook it, and said, "This line is just for paying bills". I took a deep breath and said, "Excuse me?” The woman repeated her previous statement and added, "You will have to get in that line". She pointed to the other line, which had grown exponentially and seemed to be at a standstill. Frantically, I looked for one of the customers I had asked about the lines. I recognized one man, the man I would have been behind if I had gotten in the other line. There were probably 15-20 more people behind him now. No way. I turned back to "Miss Manners" and said, "I'm sorry, but I did not see any signs to indicate there is a difference between the two lines. Is there a sign somewhere that I missed?" She just looked at me (annoyed) and said, "I made an announcement 20 minutes ago". Calmly, I looked at my watch and shook my head, "Well, I have been here for over 20 minutes and I did not hear any announcement". Clearly I was getting on her nerves as she stated, "Well, I made it". At this point I could feel it coming. This woman was going down! "Ma'am", I said "I have do doubt that you made an announcement. My point is that I was not here when made it. Which means anyone that came in after me didn't get the information either. I even asked several people when I came in and none of them were aware of any difference in the lines. Clearly this announcement you speak of was not an effective means of communication in this situation". She simply repeated her mantra about having made an announcement. So I asked to speak with her supervisor. Of course her supervisor was "out". So, I asked to speak with any of her superiors. "We are all equal, but you are welcome to step to the side and wait for my supervisor". I could feel heat rising into my cheeks. "Well, if you are all equal. I am sure you are capable of helping me exchange this equipment", I said. Again she referred to her freaking announcement like I hadn't heard her the first 5 times; like it would somehow finally and magically clear everything up for me. This is where I really lost it. "Your announcement is no good if nobody hears it, lady!” I screamed. Then, as if I was totally removed from my body, I turned to address the growing crowd behind me. "Did any of you hear an announcement about the difference between these two lines?" I yelled. Luckily the crowd was as frustrated as I was and opted to join my plight. "NO!" They yelled realizing, they too may end up standing where I was. One woman panicked, "There's a difference between these two lines?! What's the difference! I've been here a 1/2 an hour! What's going on?!" The woman behind the counter looked around for support from her co-workers who all were suddenly very busy and avoiding eye contact with her. This time it was my turn to just look at her and shake my head. "I'm not moving" I said, "I'll wait right here for your supervisor". I looked at her dead in the eyes like a dog posturing before a fight. I wasn't bluffing either. They would have had to call security to remove the psychotic pregnant lady from the lobby. Luckily, it didn't come to that. She grabbed the cable box from me and switched it out. The whole process took about 30 seconds.

Most of you will know that this is not typical behavior for me. Usually, I flee from confrontation. Although two plus years working in the Forensic Unit at Central State Hospital did plump up my assertiveness, it was nothing compared to the powerful force that is pregnancy hormones.
To hear about my next unfortunate victim, be sure to tune in for the next installment, Hormones- Part II ( I don't want to overwhelm anyone all at once and I would like to have some friends left after pregnancy)